I woke up this morning feeling so stuck and almost paralyzed in my thoughts. My current situation is the complete opposite of the vision that I once had for my life. I know it’s a process, things take time and it’s a day at a time. Yet I can’t help but feel as if I am only running out of time. In approximately 135 days, God willing, I will be 25 years of age. All of the places I thought I would be at, I am not. All of the money I thought I would have, is non-existent. All of the love that I thought I would be in, has faded.
I just grabbed a bowl of cereal and thought to myself: “Girl you know you shouldn’t be eating this sugary ass cereal.” But alas, here I am. I should just cook a healthy balanced breakfast but I’m too in my head today for balance.
Okay back to the actual post before readers think I’m crazy and even though I am strange, crazy doesn’t really fit my description. I’m goofy and silly even but not quite crazy. What does that even mean anyway? People throw that word around so much it doesn’t quite have the same meaning anymore. Just like love. Everyone uses it in simple terms like “OMG I love my new phone,” or “I love my yoga class.” Should inanimate objects even be deserving of the word love? Okay, perhaps I am thinking too deep right now. Let’s move on…
Back to the beginning…
All of the love I thought I would be in, has faded.
Once upon a time I sincerely believed that I was unlovable. I believed that because of how my parents’ marriage ended, any relationship that I had or might have in the future would crash and burn. Perhaps I manifested those negative thoughts into reality. Now that I am more aware of what the “Law of Attraction,” is I am certain that my thoughts were my downfall throughout my early 20’s. My thoughts were also to blame for some of the downfalls in my teenage years as well.
Ironically I actually loved my teenage experience for the most part and high school to me wasn’t quite hell as it was for some others. In high school is where I met my first love. Sometimes I wonder if he even considers me to be that for him but of course, those are my insecurities speaking. Why am I bringing this up in 2019?? I once was told by a prophet that he and I would be married. I am 24 about to be 25 and among all of my sisters, I am the only one who has remained single up until this age. Now even if they weren’t married, they were at least seriously dating while me I am like a “Plastic bag drifting through the wind,” (shout out to Katy Perry).
Anyways, I say all this to say I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my 20s and a lot of them were based on stupid childhood trauma that I never really sought out help for. Among those being my poor habit of not thoroughly communicating my thoughts or feelings. Sometimes I just go silent and into my head which can cause me to either completely block someone out of my life with no explanation. Recently, I attempted to rekindle with someone who I will just call London. London and I had a strong almost orgasmic connection. I use the word orgasmic because honestly, I don’t know how else to describe our bond. Granted it was not strictly sexual but just our whole vibe together always felt so clear, so good, and so full of energy.
I keep flipping my phone on and off to Instagram or Twitter. It’s taking forever to write this post. But also, my laptop is going super slow. I’ve had this HP for 7 years now. My God! It is time for an upgrade. I think I may put this to rest and come back later because this is actually becoming frustrating.
Okay, let’s continue. London and I reconnected for about a month or so through texts. Went out once and were due to go out again. Things got distant, I got confused and eventually gave up mentally. London finally checks up on me and I flip out. I felt as if he was ignoring me for a while. So of course in my Gemini nature and hopeless romantic ways, I decided his explanation was complete BS. I also considered the negative situations that took place between us in the past. So I decided there was never a reason to speak to him again. Last night, I decided to look up one of his pages and realized he had blocked me back as well. Throughout all the years of me blocking him, he had never blocked me back. I know what y’all are thinking, “How childish.” Okay sure but all those times I felt were warranted.
Anyways, I got to thinking “Girl why didn’t you just tell him how you felt about his response in a more adult-like manner?” There could have been simple peace between you all. Now everyone is blocked.” I know my friends are going to judge me for this one but seriously I don’t want him blocked from my life, I just want him to truly understand how he’s hurt me. I want him to get it and acknowledge it. Above all, I want us to be able to actually still be good friends and truly express our feelings in a healthy way. Not through text, not through anger or blocking. Of course, now that will probably never happen because we all blocked.
While reflecting on this whole situation, I realized that I have terrible communication skills when it comes to certain people and in certain situations. It’s crazy though because I’m a writer and I know how to effectively communicate across pages, lines and across keyboards. But when it comes to expressing myself to people, like London I am at a lost for words.
Anyways, last night I began to think about my life, as I often do. Realized yet again I am not where I want to be. From my income to my job, to my housing situation, to my physical, spiritual and mental needs. Things are pretty much all over the place. I am getting better with time when it comes to priorities but I also feel very stagnant. Next Thursday I will be jobless again and that is pretty much the theme of my early 20s. Truth be told I don’t even want a job. I want to be able to make money off of the things that I love. I want my income to grow from my passions.
But reality strikes…then I am reminded that these bills don’t give one fuck about my passions. As I mentioned earlier, I know it’s all a process but sometimes I am frustrated with it because I’ve always known what I’ve wanted to do. Yet I am just now getting to it. So I guess I am more upset with myself if anything.
What was this post about again? Oh right, my current thoughts. Someone might comment that I need a journal. They’re right but I have several. My blog is just my biggest journal.
I am going to end this now but before that, I do want to end on a lighter note. Recently I have ventured into acting classes. Every Tuesday for the next month I’ll be taking that leap closer to my dreams of eventually being a working actress. Now that is going to be a process for sure but I am happy because I am stepping outside of my box again. My box of safety and comfort. Next up, actually moving to the New York and then LA. I know the shit is expensive and right now my funds don’t scream NY or LA but fuck it. I have these dreams for a reason.
I also have been trying harder with my freelance writing business. I booked a few clients this month and I feel great. Definitely believe that this is the right step for me. Whenever I am at work I just feel so stuck and want to be doing my own thing. Not sure if that makes me a “bad employee,” but damn it I can’t help myself. I just hate being trapped in the four walls of 8-4’s, 9-5’s and 11-8’s. They all make me itch.
Alright this time I’m out for real. Until next time friends. Remember that you truly are splendid!
Serenity, Smiles & Positive Vibes!