Today’s challenge was really difficult for me to write. All day at work I considered writing a letter to my 15 year old self instead but once I got home I realized that this was important for healing purposes. The challenge called for me to “Write a letter to someone who hurt [me] recently.” So I decided to go with an individual who I had considered to be a good friend of mine some time ago but things went sour real quick (actually it was a process but still).
Now this letter isn’t to talk down on them in anyway but it’s just the remnants of feelings that I have about the situation. I can honestly say that I am proud I didn’t cry throughout the duration of writing this letter even while listening to SZA. Below is the song that I listened to and for those who aren’t hip to her yet please do yourself a favor and listen while you read.
Welp here goes nothing, I guess this will be like my “Dear John,” letter or Aaliyah’s “4 Page Letter,” except it’s like 4 paragraphs…alright anyways I’m stalling, just go read it!
Dear Mr. Unappreciative,
You were all that I wanted and more. You were all that I thought I needed but actually less. You were just right for those moments when I just couldn’t bring myself to validate my beauty or my worth. You were just right for me to call when I couldn’t stand my own company and only yours gave me confirmation that I was desired. I needed you to cover up parts of me that I thought would remain untouched for life. My thirst for your quench superseded my ability to think straight. My better judgement died every single time our lips met. The closer I got to you, the further away my brain seemed to travel.
But, none of that mattered to you. None of it ever meant a damn thing because after all you told me what it was from the jump. I chose to ignore your siren signals by speeding off into the dark with no clear vision of where my next exit would be. Every time I got my legs to refrain from remaining comatose, again access to me was granted. Ignore me, diss me, hide me, take a bite of me and discard me from your mouth as if I were spoiled rotten. No matter how hard I pushed and pulled, none of that could’ve reversed the crash. I wanted to give you something that I didn’t even have the strength to give myself.
So now, even though I don’t think of you as often I will say one thing, I’ve finally gotten to the point where I no longer hate you or hate what we had. Hate is a strong word. I thought I’d never feel that towards anyone but at one point I seriously did. I hated how anxious I had become over your antics. I hated how I allowed myself to get stuck to the hive of your monstrous lies. I hated that you told me exactly who you were to my face but of course I remained, where else could I have gone?
When I think about you, I often time travel to when we were “just friends,” and how that little crush I had on you could’ve remained “just that.” But, of course I wouldn’t allow it. I wanted what I wanted and I would get what I wanted too. The mix between a hopeless romantic, a go getter and slight man-eater at the same time. As much as I’ve always enjoyed the sight of gold, you knew that I was truly diggin’ on you, diggin’ on you like TLC sang. Eventually time ran out and the referee of life rang that bell. I guess what I really want to say is that the thing that hurt me the most is that I truly believed our friendship was a solid foundation. It was genuine or at least it felt that way. But, once things took a turn and you literally shit on my name to others I felt that wound of betrayal open up in the middle of my back. That shit really fucking hurt. It felt as if I were caught up in the matrix for real. If I we were to ever revisit this conversation, I’d only want to know “Did you ever value our friendship prior?” That is all.
But anyways, as you know we finally crashed but did not burn. I guess those 3 times we spoke afterwards was indeed closure. I’m assuming all is well with you and I really do hope it is. Sometimes I do miss our conversations and the dumb shit we’d say that made one another laugh. Funny that sometimes I think to myself that this was all my fault. I allowed attraction to become such a fuckin’ distraction that my priorities couldn’t even get me in order. I do appreciate the memories & I’ll never forget that one piece of advice you give me in regards to relationships. LOL funny you were giving me advice on that and vice versa. Man, we were two hurt ass people simply colliding like particles in a test tube of pure confusion.
I guess it’s now I’m realizing we both weren’t shit just in different ways. I refused to be honest with my intentions and you well…you were just being yourself. You’ve got a lot of maturing to do but we both knew that already. Regardless, I really do hope you’re doing well and that you’re reaching some type of level of maturity that will curb your desire to manipulate women. I know that’s a sore spot to hit but we discussed it almost all the time and you know it.
This challenge is a little difficult for readers to respond to but if you have anyone on your heart that you would like to write a letter to, I encourage you to do so. It’s refreshing to reflect sometimes when you’re in the position to do so of course. You don’t have to send the letter to them but just write or type it out. Delete it, throw it away or whatever it is that you need to do.
Is there anyone you would write a Dear John letter to? Just comment yes or no.